2019 was a big year. I took a huge leap of faith and prioritized my children and family over my career. It was a scary year and it still is kind of frightening. If I am entirely honest, I am not sure what will happen this year or where my life will take me, but I am hopeful.
A little back story, I quit my PhD program this summer to stay at home with my kids. For some moms that might seem easy but for me it’s scary and it brought up a lot of insecurities. For most of my life, I have hid behind my “titles” and “ambitions”. In my early twenties, I hid behind my academic goals and career ambitions. Then I started to hide behind my titles. Through these titles I was able to find my own self worth, so when I quit my PhD program and was no longer a “doctoral candidate” my self-worth plummeted. For the first time when introducing myself to others I was open and authentic in saying “I am a stay-at-home mom”, whereas before I always hid behind my titles. Being able to add those external titles helped me feel a sense of confidence. I derived a large part of my self-worth from these titles.
After quitting my program and basically shifting gears in life, I battled depression, low-levels of self-confidence, and lost. It was an overwhelming realization that I have never felt adequate. I never had confidence in myself as a person. I only had confidence in “titles” and without those I didn’t see my own self worth. So for the latter part of this year, I have been working to cultivate a deep feeling of self-worth. I am a human. I am worthy without having prestigious credentials. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a granddaughter. I am a woman. All of these are enough. I am enough on my own.